A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
My Parents Took Back the House Down Payment They Gifted Me – But They Had No Idea It Was All Part of My Plan
My parents gifted me a down payment for a house. I came to the brutal realization that I had to make them take it back without them discovering the real reason. Cue fake renovation plans, manufactured risks, and the biggest deception I’ve ever pulled on the people who raised me.
I stood in our living room, my hands trembling slightly as I held out the stack of renovation plans.
An anxious woman holding documents | Source: Midjourney
The familiar scent of Mom’s lavender candles mixed with the coffee Dad had been nursing all afternoon, a combination that usually meant home and safety.
Not today, though.
Today, my stomach churned as I prepared to deliberately deceive the two people who’d given me everything.
Dad sat in his usual armchair, the one with the worn leather arms where he’d spent countless evenings helping me with homework.
A man sitting in an armchair | Source: Midjourney
The afternoon sun caught the silver threading through his dark hair — when had that happened?
Mom perched on the edge of the sofa, her reading glasses sliding down her nose as she peered at the papers I was about to present. Her fingers worried at the corner of her cardigan, a nervous habit I’d inherited.
“So,” I began, proud of how steady I kept my voice, “I’ve been working on something exciting.”
A woman speaking and holding documents | Source: Midjourney
I handed over the plans, watching their faces carefully. The papers trembled slightly in my grip, documents that had taken two days of frantic preparation with my architect friend Jamie.
“I’ve decided I want to spend the down payment money you gifted me after graduation on a fixer-upper that could be converted into a duplex. The return on investment could be incredible.”
Dad’s forehead creased as he studied the first page.
A man reading documents | Source: Midjourney
I’d made sure the numbers were eye-watering and Jamie had helped me make everything look professional but deliberately concerning.
The estimated costs were just shy of astronomical, carefully calculated to trigger every parental alarm bell.
“The initial estimates are just the beginning,” I continued, pacing now. The carpet muffled my footsteps, but I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
A woman speaking to someone | Source: Midjourney
“Construction costs are unpredictable, and we might need more than the down payment money if things go over budget.”
I let that sink in, watching Mom’s face pale slightly.
“Hannah, sweetheart,” Mom’s voice quavered exactly as I’d hoped it would. “These numbers… they’re astronomical.” She pushed her glasses up and exchanged a worried glance with Dad. “The contingency fund alone could buy a small car.”
A woman reading documents | Source: Midjourney
Dad set the plans down with the careful deliberation I recognized from childhood, the way he’d place my report cards on the kitchen table before we had “serious discussions.” His coffee sat forgotten, growing cold on the side table.
“This is reckless, Hannah,” he said flatly. “You’d be drowning in debt before the first nail was hammered.”
His protective instincts were firing exactly as I’d predicted.
A woman holding back a smile | Source: Midjourney
“The market’s unstable enough without taking risks like this. Remember what happened to the Hendersons when they tried flipping houses?”
“But the potential —” I started, then let my voice trail off as Mom interrupted.
“Maybe,” she said, reaching for my hand, “we should take back the down payment until you find something… safer. This is too much responsibility for you right now.”
Her thumb rubbed circles on my palm, a gesture that had comforted me through scraped knees and broken hearts. Now it nearly broke my composure.
A woman smiling gently | Source: Midjourney
I forced disappointment into my voice. “If that’s what you think is best.”
The relief that flooded through me was real, though not for the reasons they assumed. I gathered up the plans, letting my shoulders slump just enough to sell the dejection.
As soon as I was out of the living room, I stopped fighting to hold back my grin. I ran upstairs to my room and sent Jamie a quick text to let him know the plan had worked.
A woman texting | Source: Midjourney
I flopped onto my bed as the events from two nights ago flashed through my mind.
I stood frozen in the dark kitchen, my bare feet cold against the tile floor. I’d come down for a glass of water, but Mom’s voice had stopped me in my tracks.
“The medical bills just keep coming,” she’d whispered into the phone, probably thinking I was asleep like any sensible person at midnight.
A woman standing in a kitchen at night | Source: Midjourney
“We’re burning through our retirement savings and the mortgage… God, Mom, we might lose the house. But keep it a secret from Hannah. We need to get things done while she’s clueless.”
I’d stood there, my throat tight, as Mom detailed their financial struggles to Grandma. Each word felt like a physical blow.
The emergency surgery Dad needed last year. The property taxes they’d barely scraped together. The second mortgage they’d taken out to help pay for my college tuition.
A stunned woman | Source: Midjourney
Here they were, drowning in debt, and they’d still given me their savings for a down payment on my own place.
I’d spent the next forty-eight hours in a frenzy of planning. Jamie hadn’t just helped with the renovation plans — he’d stayed up late into the night, helping me research construction costs and market trends to make my fake project both compelling and terrifying.
I’d practiced my pitch in the mirror, calibrating every word to push their protective buttons without seeming obvious about it.
And today, all that hard work had paid off.
A woman lying on her bed | Source: Midjourney
A week later, I sat at their dinner table, pushing Mom’s pot roast around my plate. The atmosphere felt lighter somehow like the house itself could breathe easier.
The familiar chime of forks against plates, the soft hum of the ceiling fan, the lingering scent of fresh bread… everything felt more precious now that I knew how close they’d come to losing it all.
“Hannah,” Dad said suddenly, setting down his fork. “We need to tell you something.”
A family eating dinner | Source: Midjourney
He reached for Mom’s hand, their fingers intertwining in a gesture I’d seen a thousand times before. “Taking back that down payment… it saved us from having to sell the house.”
Mom’s eyes welled up, catching the warm kitchen light. “We didn’t want you to worry, but we almost lost everything. The medical bills, the mortgage…”
Her voice cracked, and I couldn’t stay silent anymore.
The words tumbled out before I could stop them. “I know. I heard you on the phone with Grandma.”
A woman sitting at a dinner table | Source: Midjourney
Their shocked faces made me continue. “The renovation plan I showed you? It was fake. I worked with Jamie to create it and made sure the costs looked scary enough that you’d want to take the money back. I couldn’t let you lose everything just to give me a head start.”
“You did this… for us?” Mom’s voice cracked, her hand covering her mouth.
I smiled through the tears that had started falling. “You deserved to be safe, even if it meant I had to wait to chase my dreams. After everything you’ve sacrificed for me? This was the least I could do.”
A woman speaking to someone over dinner | Source: Midjourney
Dad stared at me for a long moment before letting out a surprised laugh that sounded suspiciously watery.
“You tricked us into protecting ourselves? That’s… that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” He shook his head, but I could see the pride mixing with the disbelief in his eyes.
“I learned from the best,” I said, gesturing between them. “All those years of you two sacrificing everything for me? Maybe it was time I returned the favor. Besides,” I added, trying to lighten the moment, “I’m pretty sure there’s something in the daughter handbook about keeping your parents from doing stupidly noble things.”
A woman speaking passionately | Source: Midjourney
Mom pulled me into a fierce hug, her tears soaking into my shoulder. She smelled like vanilla extract and that fancy hand cream I got her last Christmas. Dad’s arms wrapped around us both, and for a moment, we just held each other, crying and laughing at the same time.
Looking back, I realized something profound had shifted that night.
The roles we’d played all my life — the protectors, and the protected — had blurred and reformed into something new. Something stronger.
A thoughtful woman | Source: Midjourney
My dream of owning my own place could wait. This, right here, was home enough.
As we finally pulled apart, Dad wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, and Mom squeezing my fingers tight, I knew I’d made the right choice. The weight of secrets had lifted, replaced by a deeper understanding between us.
Sometimes love means letting go of your dreams to protect someone else’s reality. And sometimes, in protecting others, you find that an even better dream was waiting for you all along.
A woman sitting at a dinner table | Source: Midjourney
The three of us stayed at that dinner table long into the night, sharing stories and truths we’d kept hidden, rebuilding our family’s foundation on something stronger than pride or protection: honest love, freely given, finally unburdened by secrets.
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