A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
My Husband Kept a Christmas Gift from His First Love Unopened for 30 Years—Last Christmas, I Couldn’t Take It Anymore and Opened It
I ignored the little box under our Christmas tree for years. My husband said it was just a memory from his first love, but memories don’t haunt you like that. Last Christmas, something inside me snapped. I opened the gift and found a secret that changed everything.
I met Tyler when I was 32 and he was 35. It sounds cliché, but it felt like fate. Our connection was fast and electric, like when you step outside just as the first snowfall starts. Everything was magic, glittering, and impossibly perfect.
A couple walking in the snow | Source: Midjourney
He made me laugh with his dry humor, and I admired his quiet confidence. He was never brash and never postured. Tyler was just steady and certain, a safe harbor in a storm.
At least, that’s what I thought. I later realized his calm demeanor wasn’t confidence; it was cowardice.
Our first Christmas together was everything I’d dreamed of. Candles flickered, soft music played, and snow dusted the windows. We took turns unwrapping gifts, leaving ribbons and bows scattered across the floor. Then I saw it.
A woman sitting in a living room on Christmas | Source: Midjourney
One gift remained under the Christmas tree: a small, neatly wrapped box with a slightly flattened bow.
“Oh?” I said, tilting my head toward it. “Is that also for me?”
Tyler glanced up from the sweater I’d just given him and shook his head. “Nah, that’s… that’s something from my first love. She gave it to me before we broke up.” He shrugged like it was nothing. “Each year, I place it under the tree, though I’ve never opened it.”
A man sitting on a sofa | Source: Midjourney
I blinked. “What?”
He didn’t even look up. Just folded the sweater over his lap. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just a memory of someone who once meant a lot to me.”
I felt a prickle at the back of my neck. “Why didn’t you open it?”
“We broke up soon afterward, and I didn’t feel like opening it,” he said, and that was that.
The moment passed, or at least he thought it did.
A happy man sitting in a living room on Christmas | Source: Midjourney
But I remember sitting there, my smile feeling too tight on my face. A little red flag waved somewhere in the distance of my mind, but I told myself it was fine. People hold on to weird things. Old love letters. Ticket stubs. Nobody’s perfect, right?
The years rolled on, and we built a life together. Tyler and I got married and bought a little starter home. We had two kids together who filled the rooms with shrieks of joy and toddler tears.
We were happy. Or busy, which sometimes feels the same. Christmases came and went like clockwork.
A Christmas tree in a living room | Source: Pexels
I’d put up the tree while Tyler wrangled the lights. The kids would argue over which ornaments went where, and every year, without fail, that little box appeared under the tree.
I asked him about it again around year seven of our marriage.
“Why do you still have that old gift?” I’d said, dusting pine needles off the floor. “You’ve had it longer than you’ve had me.”
He looked up from untangling the lights, brow furrowed like I’d just asked him to solve world peace.
A man untangling Christmas lights in his living room | Source: Midjourney
“It’s just a box, Nicole. It’s not hurting anyone. Leave it be.”
I could’ve argued. I wanted to, but I didn’t. Back then, I still believed that peace was more important than answers. I still believed in us.
Time slipped through our fingers. Christmases came and went. The kids grew up and left for college. They called less and less and skipped spending holidays with the folks more often.
The house was quieter than I expected. It’s funny how you never realize how much noise you’ll miss.
A mature woman decorating a Christmas tree alone | Source: Midjourney
But that box? It never missed a year.
Every December, I’d watch it appear like a ghost. Tyler would place it in a spot where it was out of the way, but still clearly visible. It still had the same stupid paper, as smooth as the day his first love wrapped it.
I didn’t say anything anymore. I’d just see it, feel my chest tighten, and keep moving. But something had shifted.
A mature woman standing near a Christmas tree | Source: Midjourney
The box wasn’t just a box anymore. It was everything we never said to each other. It was his silence on the nights I lay awake, wondering if he’d ever loved me as much as her.
One night, after putting away dinner leftovers, I stood in the kitchen, hands on my hips, staring at the ceiling like it owed me an answer.
Tyler still hadn’t washed the dishes like he’d said he would, and hadn’t taken the trash out either. Instead, he was upstairs, tapping away on his laptop while I held everything together, like always.
A solemn-looking woman standing in a kitchen | Source: Midjourney
I’d committed years of my life to this man and our family, and I was tired of always having to fight with him and remind him about chores. I looked around our kitchen and my heart ached for something I couldn’t name.
I sighed, dried my hands on a dishrag, and made my way to the living room.
The Christmas tree lights twinkled softly, casting everything in a warm, golden glow. It should’ve been peaceful. But then I saw that darn box.
Gifts under a Christmas tree | Source: Pexels
It was sitting there, smug, untouched. Still unopened after all these years.
Something deep and sharp unfurled in my chest. I could’ve walked away. I should’ve, but I’d walked away too many times already.
I grabbed it off the floor, and before I could think, I tore it open. Paper shredded in my hands and that stupid, flattened bow fell to the floor. My breath came short and fast as I tore open the thin cardboard and revealed the gift from Tyler’s first love.
A woman opening a Christmas gift | Source: Pexels
Inside was a letter, neatly folded, aged to a soft yellow. I froze.
This was the thing he’d guarded for thirty years. My heart drummed in my ears as I unfolded the page, fingers trembling.
My stomach dropped as I read the first sentence. I stumbled backward and sat down hard on the sofa as my knees went weak.
A woman sitting on a sofa while reading a letter | Source: Midjourney
“Tyler, I’m pregnant. I know this is a shock, but I didn’t know where else to turn. My parents found out and they’re forcing me to stay away from you, but if you meet me at the bus station on the 22nd, we can run away together. I’ll be wearing a green coat.
Please, meet me there, Tyler. I’m so sorry I lied that day I broke up with you. My father was watching from the car. I never stopped loving you.”
I pressed my fist to my mouth to keep from making a sound.
A shocked woman reading a letter | Source: Midjourney
She’d been there. She’d waited for him. And he never showed. But worse than that — he’d never even opened the letter. He had no idea…
I heard Tyler’s footsteps coming down the stairs. I didn’t even try to hide what I’d done.
When he saw me holding the letter, his face went pale.
“What did you do?!” His voice was sharp, slicing through the air like glass. “That was my most precious memory!”
I rose and turned to him slowly, feeling something inside me crack wide open.
A shocked man standing in a living room decorated for Christmas | Source: Midjourney
“Memory?” I held up the letter like a battle flag. “You mean this? This letter you never even opened? You’re telling me you clung to this ‘memory’ for thirty years and didn’t even have the courage to see what it was?”
He blinked, stepping back like I’d hit him.
“I didn’t…” He stopped and swiped a hand down his face. “I was scared, okay?”
“Coward,” I hissed, thrusting the letter at him like it was a sword.
A furious woman holding a letter | Source: Midjourney
His eyes widened. We stood there like that for what felt like forever, but then he took the page in his hands, and read the letter.
My eyes didn’t even sting with tears as I watched him gasp with shock and sit down on the arm of the sofa. I was too tired for that now.
Emotions flickered across his face, and at one point, he let out a low moan. He seemed to reread her words at least three times before he dropped his head into his hands.
A man sitting with his head in his hands | Source: Midjourney
“She… she was waiting, and I didn’t show up.” His shoulders shook and his voice was thick with emotion.
Silence stretched between us, thick and suffocating. He cried like a man mourning his own grave. But I didn’t feel sorry for him. I’d been waiting too.
“Tyler,” I said, my voice calm like a still lake after a storm. “I’m tired. Tired of being second to a ghost.” I felt my heart settle into something steady. “We’re done.”
He didn’t chase me as I left the room.
An angry woman glancing over her shoulder | Source: Midjourney
The divorce was quiet. Neither of us had the energy to make it messy. We split the house, the cars, and the rest of our lives.
He tracked her down. I found out from our youngest. She was happily married and their son wasn’t interested in meeting Tyler or his half-siblings. He’d missed his chance. Twice.
And me? I got my own place. On Christmas Eve, I sat by the window, watching the soft glow of lights from the neighboring apartments.
A content woman sitting near a window | Source: Midjourney
There was no tree this year, no boxes, and no ghosts. Just peace.
Here’s another story: When Madison’s husband, Larry, surprises her with a handmade advent calendar, she’s touched — until day one reveals a “gift” that’s really a chore. Each day, it gets worse, but by day 15, Madison’s patience snaps, and she hatches a plan to teach him a lesson.
This work is inspired by real events and people, but it has been fictionalized for creative purposes. Names, characters, and details have been changed to protect privacy and enhance the narrative. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.
The author and publisher make no claims to the accuracy of events or the portrayal of characters and are not liable for any misinterpretation. This story is provided “as is,” and any opinions expressed are those of the characters and do not reflect the views of the author or publisher.
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