A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
Masterchef contestant was immediately removed from show after dish she served judges
Warning: This article contains images of a dead animal some readers may find distressing.
A Masterchef contestant was immediately removed from the show after serving up the judges a questionable dish that had them spitting feathers – literally.
Oh, Masterchef.
There’s nothing better than watching over confident contestants talk themselves up on the VT – only to have them produce an absolute abomination of the dish that the judges’ waste no time in ripping into.
We all like to sit on our sofas, Goggleboxing and declaring that we could do better.
Although this time, most of us probably could because anything would be better than what one contestant served up on Masterchef Espãna.
Saray Carrillo served up a questionable dish. (Masterchef Espana / YouTube)
Sometimes when you’re cooking, not every job is pleasant, and if you want to serve up something that looks delicious and inviting, sometimes you have to get a little bit dirty.
And that’s something this contestant had no plans of doing.
In 2020, Saray Carrillo, 27, was mortified by one of the challenges where she had to pluck and cook a whole partridge.
Unless you’re vegan or vegetarian, cutting up poultry is pretty standard cooking practice, but Carrillo apparently expressed her fear of having to do such a task and took the challenge as a personal attack.
Defiantly, she decided to serve the bird, unplucked, uncooked and unappetising, garnished on a bed of spring onions, some kind of sauce and garnished with a couple of cherry tomatoes.
Take a look:
Umm, yeah. (Masterchef Espana / YouTube)
I think it’s hilarious, but the judges certainly didn’t think so – the only way to describe the look on their faces is ‘p*ssed’.
This was only exasperated more when Carrillo approached the bench with a cheeky smirk on her face, whilst the rest of the contestants looked on in horror by the dish she was presenting.
One judge said something in Spanish that translated to: “This is never seen in MasterChef.”
The judges, rightly so, grilled Carrillo and were not exactly sad to see the back of her.
As she plonked her apron down on the bench and strutted out of the Masterchef kitchen, the judges watched her leave with faces like a slapped a**.
The clip was from a season that aired in 2020 and went viral at the time, and has since been viewed 7.4 million times on YouTube.Play
People were quick to mock the episode on social media.
One YouTube user wrote: “HOW DISGUSTING GOD, I really can’t handle cherry tomatoes.”
Someone else saw fit to quote TV Chef legend Gordon Ramsay saying: “IT’S SO RAW THAT IT CAN STILL FLY!”
While another brutally said: “It is tragic that a person like this is a social educator when in reality she is yet to be civilized.”
I wonder what John and Greg would have made of all this?
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