Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
Woman Sees Her Missing Husband’s Signature Dress Pattern on a Stranger – The Truth Is Haunting
This Halloween was the first one Kate’s daughter would celebrate without her father. Kate was still struggling to cope with her husband’s disappearance. But seeing her daughter smile brought her joy and helped her forget her sadness. However, her heart raced when she spotted a little girl wearing the same dress Carl used to make.
As Halloween approached, the autumn air was crisp and refreshing. Leaves crunched beneath feet outside, and the neighborhood was slowly changing into a festive and spooky place.
Outside her warm home, Kate worked hard on decorations, wanting everything to be just right for her daughter, Holly.
The lawn was already a mix of decorations — plastic bats, fake cobwebs, and glowing pumpkins.
Kate stood on a stool, carefully hanging up the bats while Holly followed her, bringing her own decorations.
Holly’s excitement made Kate smile, but the little girl had her own ideas about Halloween. Holly didn’t really understand what “spooky” meant.
Instead of creepy decorations, she carried her favorite pink dolls and a soft teddy bear, arranging them neatly on the front porch next to the jack-o’-lanterns.
Kate watched with amusement as Holly lined up her toys. She admired her daughter’s creativity but knew it was time to explain once again what Halloween was all about.
“Sweetheart,” Kate began softly, “Halloween is supposed to be spooky, not cute.”
She smiled gently, realizing she had said this many times, but Holly was only five — she had her own ideas.
Holly looked up at her mother with big, curious eyes.
“But why, Mommy? Why does it have to be spooky?” she asked, clutching her beloved teddy bear.
Kate chuckled softly as she stepped down from the stool.
“Well, that’s just how Halloween works,” she explained patiently.
“It’s a time when people dress up in costumes and pretend to be scary, just for fun. But it’s okay if we make it a little cute too.”
Holly still seemed unsure, her brows furrowed in thought. But after a moment, she nodded and shrugged.
“Okay, Mommy.” Then her face lit up. “Can I wear the costume Daddy made me last year?” she asked, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
Kate’s heart tightened at the mention of Carl, her husband who had vanished six months ago.
It felt like a punch to the stomach, wiping the smile from her face.
For a moment, she froze, her hands shaking slightly as she reached for a bat decoration.
“No, sweetheart,” Kate said softly, her voice catching in her throat.
“I’ll make you a new costume this year.”
“But I liked Daddy’s costume,” Holly protested, her voice filled with disappointment.
“Do you think he’ll come back for Halloween?” she added innocently.
The question hung heavily in the air. Kate’s heart ached, but she forced a smile, kneeling to Holly’s level and brushing a strand of hair from her face.
“I don’t think he’ll be back, darling,” Kate said gently but sadly.
The pain of not knowing what had happened to Carl never left her, but she had to be strong for Holly.
Later that evening, the excitement in the air was almost tangible.
Kate knelt before Holly, making sure her daughter’s new costume was perfect.
Holly could hardly stand still, her small feet bouncing with anticipation, her candy bucket gripped tightly in one hand.
“Hold still for just one more second, sweetie,” Kate said with a smile, adjusting the hood of Holly’s cape to make sure it fit just right.
“Do you have everything? Your bucket, your flashlight, your cape — is everything ready?”
“Yes, Mom!” Holly replied, her voice bubbling with excitement. She tugged on her mother’s sleeve impatiently.
“Can I please go now? My friends are waiting!”
Kate couldn’t help but laugh at Holly’s eagerness. The pure joy on her daughter’s face was contagious, and for a moment, all the worry and sadness Kate felt about Carl’s disappearance melted away.
“Alright, go on,” she said, pulling Holly in for a quick hug before letting her go. “Be safe and have fun.”
Holly flashed a wide, bright smile, her eyes shining with excitement, before running off to join her friends.
A small group of kids, all in colorful costumes, was waiting at the end of the street, their laughter echoing in the night.
Kate watched Holly as she disappeared into the crowd, feeling joy at seeing her daughter so happy.
With a contented sigh, Kate turned back toward the house and began preparing a big bowl of candy for the trick-or-treaters who would soon come.
Before long, the doorbell rang, and the familiar chorus of “Trick or treat!” filled the air.
Kate greeted each group of kids with a warm smile, dropping candy into their eager buckets and laughing at their colorful costumes.
But then, a little girl appeared on the doorstep, and Kate’s smile froze.
The girl wore a cute little coat with a bouncy cape, and for a moment, Kate’s breath caught in her throat.
The costume looked so familiar — too familiar. It was just like the ones Carl used to make. The same fabric, the same details, and the same bouncy cape.
Kate’s mind raced back to when Carl would sit at the sewing machine, working on costumes for Holly and explaining how to make the cape float just right.
“That’s a beautiful costume you have, sweetheart,” Kate said, her voice trembling as she tried to keep her emotions in check.
“Where did you get it?”
The little girl smiled up at her.
“My father made it! Do you like it?”
Kate’s heart raced. “Yes,” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.
“It’s beautiful… and the cape is bouncy, isn’t it?”
The girl nodded eagerly.
“My father says it’s better this way.”
Kate was stunned. Could it be? No, it couldn’t. Carl had been missing for so long.
This had to be a coincidence… right? But no matter how much she tried to convince herself, something deep inside wouldn’t let it go.
Unable to stop herself, Kate leaned down and gently asked the little girl,
“Would you mind showing me where your house is? I’d love to ask your father how he made that costume. Maybe he can help me make one for Holly.”
The girl smiled, her innocence shining through.
“Sure! I live just a few streets away,” she said, pointing in the direction of her home.
Kate’s heart raced as soon as she closed the door behind the girl. She couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more to this.
Could it really be Carl? After all these months, was he just a few streets away? Her mind spun with a mix of hope and fear.
Without hesitating, she grabbed her coat and followed the girl’s directions.
What if it really was Carl? What would she say? What would he say? As much as she wanted answers, she feared what she might find. Still, she couldn’t turn back now. She had to know.
As Kate approached the house the little girl had described, she felt her breath catch in her throat.
There, standing in the doorway and handing out candy to trick-or-treaters, was Carl. Her Carl.
The man she had loved, the man she had grieved for. He was alive. He was right there in front of her.
Carl spotted her almost immediately, and his face changed. There was no doubt — he recognized her.
His eyes widened in shock, and for a moment, they both stood frozen, staring at each other.
Kate’s heart raced as she took a few hesitant steps toward him. The only word she could manage was, “Hi.”
Carl swallowed hard, his voice barely a whisper.
“Hi,” he replied, just as quietly.
For a moment, they stood there in silence, the air between them thick with unspoken words and emotions.
Kate felt a flood of questions rise inside her, but none came out.
Her voice trembled when she finally spoke again.
“How have you been?”
Carl sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair as if searching for the right words.
“I’m sorry, Kate. I didn’t want to disappear like that. I just… I didn’t know how to tell you the truth.”
Kate’s heart raced.
“The truth?” she repeated, her voice shaking. “What truth?”
Carl looked away, guilt on his face. “I met someone else,” he admitted quietly.
“Her name is Rachel, and… I fell in love with her. That little girl calls me her father now. They’re my family.”
The words hit Kate like a ton of bricks. Her heart shattered. She could barely breathe as the reality of his words sank in.
“And what about me? What about Holly? We’re your family too,” she said, her voice struggling to hold back the hurt.
“I know,” Carl said softly, his eyes full of regret. “But I couldn’t live in two worlds anymore. I had to choose.”
Kate stood in silence, her heart aching with every breath. “And you chose them,” she whispered, her voice barely audible.
“I’m sorry,” Carl said, his voice thick with regret. He looked down, avoiding her gaze. “Is there anything I can do to make it right?”
Kate swallowed hard, forcing herself to stay composed. “Just be happy,” she said, her voice breaking slightly. “That’s all you can do. We’ll try to be happy too.”
Before Carl could respond, a woman appeared in the doorway behind him. “Who is this, Carl? What’s going on?” she asked sharply.
“Rachel, please,” Carl began, turning toward her. But Kate had already made up her mind. She didn’t need to hear more.
Without a word, she turned and walked away, her heart heavy but resolved. The Carl she had known was gone. It was time to let go and move on.
As she approached her house, she saw Holly running toward her, her candy bucket nearly full.
Holly’s smile was bright and full of joy, lighting up the evening. Kate knelt down, wrapping her arms tightly around her daughter.
In that moment, she realized that all she needed was right here, with Holly. It was time to start living again, just the two of them.
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