Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
My Parents Demanded That I Get Married to Keep the Family Business, So I Chose a ‘Fresh-off-the-Farm’ Girl to Spite Them
My wealthy parents demanded I marry to inherit the family business, so I chose a “country girl” to spite them. But soon, I discovered she was hiding a powerful secret.
I’ll admit it. I’m not proud of how I started all this. I wasn’t looking for love, not even close. I just wanted to get back at my parents.
You see, I’ve always lived the way I wanted, with no strings. Parties, fast cars, expensive vacations. And why not? My family was wealthy, and I knew I’d inherit my father’s business one day.
A serious young man | Source: Pexels
But then my parents sat me down for “the talk.”
“Listen, Alex,” my father said, leaning forward like he was discussing a business deal. “Your mother and I feel it’s time you settle down.”
“Settle down?” I scoffed, leaning back with a smirk. “You mean get married?”
“Precisely,” he said with a nod, not breaking eye contact. “You’re almost 30. If you want the company, we need to see some commitment. That means a wife, a family. You can’t run a business like this alone.”
A serious man talking to his son | Source: Midjourney
My mother chimed in, shaking her head. “Your father worked his entire life for this, Alex. We can’t trust the future of the business to someone who treats life like a party.”
I was fuming. They wanted a marriage, so I’d give them one. If they thought they could push me around, I’d prove them wrong. I’d find someone who’d make them question their own demands.
And that’s when I met Mary.
A country woman | Source: Pexels
Mary wasn’t from the usual places where I met women. I found her volunteering at a quiet charity event. She looked modest, maybe even shy, with a simple dress and her hair tied back. Nothing flashy, no designer clothes, just calm and… real.
When I introduced myself, she just nodded and said, “Nice to meet you, Alex.” She barely looked at me, like she wasn’t impressed at all.
A couple meeting for the first time | Source: Midjourney
“So, uh, where are you from, Mary?” I asked, trying to gauge her story.
“Oh, I’m just from a small town,” she replied with a polite smile. “Nothing fancy.” Her voice was soft, and her eyes seemed guarded.
Perfect. Just perfect.
“So, Mary,” I began, cutting right to the chase. “How do you feel about marriage?”
She raised an eyebrow, looking surprised. “Excuse me?”
“I know it sounds strange,” I said, forcing a confident smile. “But I’m looking for someone to marry. I… have my reasons. But you will need to pass several ‘tests’ first.”
A black and white photo of a serious man | Source: Pexels
Mary looked at me, expression unreadable. Then she laughed, surprising me. “Well, isn’t that funny,” she said, her eyes gleaming with something I couldn’t place. “I was just thinking I could use a little ‘marriage’ myself.”
“Really?” I said, surprised. “So, is it a deal?”
Mary studied me, then shrugged. “Alright, Alex. But you have to promise one thing.”
A young woman talking to a man at a charitable event | Source: Midjourney
“What’s that?”
“No questions about my past, and I’ll keep it simple. Just a girl from a small town, that’s all they need to know. You good with that?”
I grinned, hardly believing my luck. “Perfect.”
When I introduced Mary to my parents, they were horrified. My mother’s eyebrows shot up as she took in Mary’s plain dress and quiet demeanor.
A shocked middle-aged woman | Source: Pexels
“Oh… Mary, is it?” Mom said, trying to mask her disapproval with a tight smile.
Dad’s frown deepened. “Alex, this… this isn’t exactly what we had in mind.”
“Well, you wanted me to settle down,” I replied, unable to hide my grin. “And Mary’s perfect for me. She’s calm, humble, and doesn’t care about all this fancy stuff.”
A smiling relaxed man | Source: Pexels
Mary was pulling it off. Every time she answered politely, every time she acted uncertain around our “society talk,” I knew my parents were dying inside.
But then… something about her stayed a mystery. She was perfect for my plan, yet every so often, I’d catch a look in her eye, something almost… amused.
“Are you sure this is what you want, Alex?” she’d asked me once after dinner with my parents.
A concerned woman talking to a man at a dinner party | Source: Midjourney
“More than ever,” I said, laughing. “They’re horrified, Mary. This is working.”
“Well,” she said, her voice soft, almost too soft. “Glad I could help.”
I was so busy watching my parents’ reactions that I didn’t look too closely at Mary’s. Not yet, anyway.
An arrogant young man at a dinner table | Source: Midjourney
The night of the charity ball finally arrived. My parents had spared no expense: a grand hall glittered with chandeliers, tables lined with white silk cloths, and silverware that could feed a small country.
Mary walked in beside me, her simple dress and quiet elegance making her look out of place among the sequins and high heels around her. Exactly what I’d wanted.
A woman in a simple dress | Source: Pexels
“Just remember,” I whispered, leaning close to her. “Tonight’s the final test.”
She looked up at me, her expression unreadable. “I know the drill.”
As the night went on, I stayed close to her, watching as she spoke softly, smiled politely, and never called attention to herself. My parents threw her a few concerned glances now and then, but I could tell they were hoping she’d just blend into the background.
People at a charity event | Source: Freepik
Then, out of nowhere, the mayor himself approached us, his face breaking into a broad smile.
“Mary! I’m delighted to see you here!” he exclaimed, reaching out to shake her hand.
My parents’ jaws nearly hit the floor. I blinked, trying to make sense of it. The mayor knew Mary?
Mary’s smile was polite, but I noticed her discomfort. “Good to see you too, Mayor,” she replied, a little stiffly.
A woman talking to the Mayor of the city | Source: Midjourney
“You know, everyone’s still talking about that children’s hospital project you funded,” the mayor continued. “Your family’s contributions are still making a difference.”
Mary nodded. “I’m glad to hear that. We just want to help where we can.”
The mayor finally moved on, leaving us in stunned silence. My mother was the first to break it, looking at me with wide eyes. “Alex… what was that about?”
A skeptical woman at an event | Source: Midjourney
Before I could respond, Jack, an old family friend, walked over with an astonished expression. “Mary! It’s been ages since I last saw you. I didn’t know you were back in town.”
Mary forced a small laugh. “I, uh, didn’t exactly announce it. I came back for my… wedding,” she said.
Jack turned to me, his face half-amused, half-incredulous. “Alex, you’re marrying Mary the Charity Princess? Her family’s one of the largest philanthropists in the state!”
An amused man at a charity event | Source: Midjourney
My mouth went dry. Charity Princess. I’d heard the name, of course. Everyone had. But I had never bothered to meet her or even look her up.
The moment we could slip away from my parents’ glares, I pulled Mary aside to a quiet corner. “So… Charity Princess?” I asked, crossing my arms.
She sighed, glancing away. “Yes. My family owns the biggest charity fund. They run in these circles, but I don’t. I’ve been avoiding all this for years.”
An awkward woman talking to a man | Source: Midjourney
I ran a hand through my hair, still trying to wrap my head around it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because,” she said slowly, “it’s the same reason you didn’t tell me you wanted a ‘fake’ marriage to spite your parents. I have my own reasons, Alex.”
“You knew this was fake all along?” I asked, trying to sound calm, but my voice gave me away.
A shocked man in a suit | Source: Freepik
She took a deep breath. “I got sick of my parents pushing me to marry someone for status. I wanted my own life, without all the expectations. When you came along, I figured I could help you and solve my own problem at the same time.”
“Let me get this straight,” I said, still amazed. “You agreed to this whole thing because you’re trying to escape your family’s expectations, just like I am?”
Mary nodded. “Guess that’s one thing we have in common.”
A young man talking to a woman at an event | Source: Midjourney
I stared at her, realizing for the first time how much I didn’t know about her. This wasn’t some naive “country girl” here to make my parents uncomfortable. She was intelligent, strong, and just as independent as I was. Maybe more.
My original plan suddenly felt childish. While I’d been playing games to annoy my parents, Mary had been quietly navigating a world she didn’t want to be part of, giving up her family’s wealth and influence to stand on her own two feet. She’d agreed to my ridiculous scheme just to win her freedom. I couldn’t help but respect her for that.
One evening, as we were going over some plans for the charity events my mother insisted we attend, I caught myself watching her. She looked up, catching my gaze. “What?”
A couple in love | Source: Midjourney
“I just… I guess I didn’t realize how strong you were,” I admitted, feeling surprisingly nervous. “You put up with all this, and you never once complained. You’ve done more than I would’ve in your position.”
Mary smiled, a little softer than I’d ever seen. “I’m not doing it for them,” she replied. “I’m doing it for me.”
a smiling young woman writing in her journal | Source: Midjourney
And in that moment, I realized my feelings had shifted. What started as a plan to shock my parents had become something else entirely. I respected and admired her, and, yes, I wanted to be with her for real.
“Mary,” I said slowly, “maybe it’s time we told them the truth.”
A couple holding hands | Source: Pexels
She nodded, understanding exactly what I meant. We weren’t just playing a game anymore.
The next day, we asked our parents to sit down with us. As we prepared to reveal everything, I felt a strange calm. I wasn’t worried about what they’d say. I just knew that, for once, I was ready to do things honestly and with Mary by my side.
A happy couple | Source: Pexels
Liked this story? Consider checking out this one: When a wealthy, emotionally distant man offers shelter to Lexi, a homeless woman, he’s drawn to her resilience. Their unlikely bond begins to grow — until the day he walks into his garage unannounced and discovers something disturbing. Who is Lexi really, and what is she hiding?
This work is inspired by real events and people, but it has been fictionalized for creative purposes. Names, characters, and details have been changed to protect privacy and enhance the narrative. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.
The author and publisher make no claims to the accuracy of events or the portrayal of characters and are not liable for any misinterpretation. This story is provided “as is,” and any opinions expressed are those of the characters and do not reflect the views of the author or publisher.
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